Note- if you have only a cursory knowledge of Christopher Nolan's films, go away, watch them all, and come back and read this. You will be doubly happy- that you understand what I'm going on about and you got to see some awesome films!Prepare yourself. Your mind is about to be blown.
First of all, it will be revealed that Bruce Wayne is not Batman. Bruce in fact is his brother. His twin brother. Just because you never saw them together, doesn't mean they're not two different people. But that's not all- he doesn't have just the one brother. He has three brothers. Yes, there are four Christian Bales running around. Where do the other two come in? That's right, they're magicians. One sees the gallows, the other gets to live out his life with his little daughter. Their Nemesis, Hugh Jackman, manages to hide his adamantium claws and convince people that he does not have any doubles, despite having a very convincing one (not to mention all the dead copies of himself) in none other than Robert Downey Junior. Who then tries to make a move on his doppleganger's old assistant, Scarlet Johansson, only to find she's much more than he can handle. In fact, she works for a guy with one eye, who regularly deals with snakes, mad Germans avenging the death of Snape, Kahuna Burgers, young Jedi and a host of coincidentally connected comic heros. The Iron Man then decides he is much more suited to solving mysteries.
Michael Caine raises all theses young Christian Bales; he goes by Alfred and Cutter, and just to throw everyone off the scent, the two non-batty Bales take on the name Alfred. He has long since retired from the crime jobs, after that job in Italy and now has a son, named Cobb. He teaches him much that there is to know about infiltrating dreams and the possibilities of inception. Cobb eventually outstrips his trainer and mentor (ring any bells Batman?) and finally though tragically succeeds in inception, on his own wife, who somehow will crop up in Gotham city. When he succeeds a second time, the results are equally disturbing. The once professional Robert Fischer descends into madness and eventually turns into the evil Scarecrow, who comes to torment Batman and Gotham City. His architect Ariadne moves to Minnesota and has a teenage pregnancy; and Arthur goes back to his rooftop, before he and Eames join in on the Gotham hotbed.
While Cobb is in limbo, however, his mind plays out a series of fantasies where he is a U.S. Marshal, a con artist, an undercover cop, a gang member, a real Romeo, a pilot, and even one where he is on a rather large boat that rather tragically sinks. Thereupon he (Jack) washes up on a beach, in limbo. At which point Geoffrey Rush, Kiera Knightly, Orlando Bloom and co turn up looking for a Jack in limbo, only to discover they are not in Davy Jones' locker but in fact his rucksack.
Anyway while this is going on, young Buck Wayne (you think of a better name) is being trained by Liam Neeson- not only a ninja but also a retired CIA agent, a Jedi, and a Jesus Allegory Lion- while Bruce is swanning around being a little bit psycho. Rachel eventually changes more than just her hair colour (try her entire person!) and has a brief try as a baker, but when Will Farrell leaves her to report the news, her heart is literally blown to pieces. Her brother Jake doesn't take it too well, and gets a little brokeback with Heath Ledger, which drives him to become a dangerous criminal psychopath. Meanwhile he gets with Anne Hathaway (let's not even bring old Bill Shakespeare into this) who is driven to catwomanry..ness?
Morgan Freeman watches over this all, pretending not to be God, despite being not only everyone's default picture of god but also their general narrator's voice. Gary Oldman has a brief foray into wizardry, but that doesn't go so well for him as his angsty godson is worth more trouble than good. Somehow everyone loses their short term memory and the polaroid industry has a brief boom, before Trinity convinces Constantine to get his devilish friend Al Pacino to get his father Marlon Brando to get the gangs to quieten down. Then the entire cast of Ocean's 13 robs the Gotham Bank while Hugo Weaving invites all the Elves, Transformers, Agent Smith copies and hoards of people in Guy Fawkes masks to come to Gotham for the hell of it.
Ok this is getting silly. Insert Graham Chapman Major-General scene here. But you get the picture!!! So there. Sorry for spoiling the surprise, but I'm sure it will still be amazing!!
Or maybe he is Batman and he just does some awesome stuff. He is Batman after all.
Q.E.D.
